I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
