I just pynch a tree in the face
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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