I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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