had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
