everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
