My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Come share oat with me in your robe
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