I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
