Swine flu. Run for my life!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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