Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
