3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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