Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
