She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
