This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
