and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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