i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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