you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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