I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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