It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
