I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
