Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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