No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
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New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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