I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
