hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
