Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
