My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We're too hungover to prance.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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