I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
