I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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