So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
