and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i've created a new STD.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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