I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
