none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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