you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
