The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
