So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I have tasted many bathrooms
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
