Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
