Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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