Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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