If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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