True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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