dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
