I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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