fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
