Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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