You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
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