He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
