Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
