if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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