I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You are the jesus of drinking
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
