i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
