Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
