How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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