i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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