Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ass is underappreciated
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....