hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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