you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think I sprained my soul last night
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
