Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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