1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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