My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
